[03 Nov 2003|11:26pm] i am wearing a light blue thermal shirt in an attempt to fight the cold. up up up up up up is in the cd player. this marks the first time i have listened to music with words for the better part of the past two weeks. i have a seven hour interval between right now and five thirty a.m. when i am expected at work. i am anxious to see what i will do with it. this past year has gone by so quickly and ive only recently allowed myself to pause. these past few weeks have been like a scene out of an amazing detective novel. a scene towards the end of the book when you finally find out exactly what had happened and all of the questions and assumptions you had made previously are most always wrong and you kind of laugh because you realise how _really_ there could have been no other ending to the story and how far it surpassed anything you had concocted in your head. or. its like viewing a photograph of the past year and being completely objective while dissecting all of the blurry areas of the image, utilizing everything ive learned in the mean time. ralising how cleverly ive managed to push everything important to me out of my life with the excuse that i was "learning to deal with things." i was "getting stronger." instead, ive been traveling like a zombie through my days, wavering between everything in the world that makes me keel over in disgust and everything in my life that makes me obscenely happy. and for some reason ive been repeating to myself over and over in my head that those are both weaknessess. digust _and_ happiness. the disgust because it made me feel powerless, the happiness because i had no control over it. (sensing a trend, here.) actually, ive been a blind zombie. ive been fighting the one relationship that is the best for me ( fighting it for the very intelligent reason that the other person involved has a penis and we have sex and any emotional relationship like that simply _must_ be considered a weakness... !.) and perpetuating the one that began to ruin me a long time ago. which all of my doubts i had managed to dismiss every time with one word: history. what she and i had and what i couldnt let go of. because that was the one thing in my life that i felt i _did_ have control over. (only i didnt. i kept that platform of control because i blocked out and avoided everything i disagreed with or didnt like about the person or situation and decided to just not think about it or dissect every fucking thing the way i have the habit of doing.) ive been protecting "me", the me that never goes away, from everything i thought i needed to be protected from. which was anything new or different or any person or situation that i considered stronger than me and consequently felt vulnerable towards. that brings me to now which is an arrangement of questions and conclusions and confusion regarding only myself that sometimes i feel insane. but, thats just a feeling. what i know, though. is that this time in my life is for waiting. i am unable to rush everything i want and force everything i need to happen to happen right now. right now is for patience and hard work and for time alone. until one or two years when i'll have everything in order, everything on track, and i can leave shitty, unsatisfactory california and my life can start. the sky has been beautiful lately.

[17 Jul 2003|01:15am] i should be sleeping. i have tried, yet every single attempt has ended quickly. ive never been the type to toss and turn. the act is too similar to wasting time. some thing else im just no good at. i then attempted to write words, poetry, lyrics. on the computer. its impossible for me to feel anything about what im writing, when the words coming out arent my own. written by my hand. on paper. on the computer my words are just letters on a screen. the same exact font and style as his and hers and yours. i cant look at them and continue. three girls came in to my work tonight. these are girls i knew in high school. one of which i knew fairly well and we still have the pathetically awkward hello's and how are you?'s. mine dont seem genuine. because i think they are pathetic and awkward. hers seem more genuine. because our hello's and how are you?'s are a reminder that she is better off than i am. happier, even. this works for her. i let it. i listened to their conversations on and off. they sat across from each other. for almost an entire hour. discussing pants and weight and clinique. and how many sit ups they are going to do when they get home to work off the cheese they just consumed. of course. they must. look the best that they can. look. when you have no substance, nothing inside. what else is left? i'll tell you. your hair and your waist line and clinique foundation. two different people have confided in me this past week. both of them were raped by their brothers when they were younger. one by their father as well. one born in india, the other born in mexico. i was born in california, and it doesnt matter. if youre a female, this is what is to be expected. id like to know the ratio of females that have never been raped or sexually molested, to those that have. the song "something vague" will always be a great one. and shannon comes back in less than a month, i think. i think just seeing her, for the first time since she left. will produce an emotion im not sure ive ever felt. when i look in to her eyes, i will have earned it. some times there are no words at all. im seriously considering shaving my head. i will know by the end of the week. best not to act on impulse on this one. i am tired of everyone commenting on how beautiful my hair is. like that matters at all. i am more than hair. the only effort i put in to it is shampoo, conditioner, and an occasional brushing. if i feel like it. there is so much more beauty in me than the dead strands hanging from my scalp. also: i consider myself bisexual. whatever that means. there are things i am longing for in a relationship that i know for a fact i could never get from a male. i am in love w2ith the human mind, and its ability to choose. i wonder, though. why there are so many people who live just to destroy that. some ones right to make a choice. its amazing to me, how many people there are that demand ownership of some one elses life. whats more amazing is that people actually give it to them.

[26 Jun 2003|09:22pm] [ music | rainer maria is always good. ] i feel like ive been away for so long that i have nothing to say. nothing and too much. at the exact same time. i could start out with the setting. which would be the apartment jon and i share together. almost midnight. the sound of the fan and jons steady breathing of sleep as my only backround noise. i, exhausted. home from a twelve hour straight work day. which makes me. richer than i would be if i had never woke up today. ive been concsious since five thirty this morning. i like that time of day. the city is so different without the people. when i walk down those streets, its as if im the one thats keeping them alive. i wont expect any one to understand that. i dont need anyone to. // i have purchased a camera. a camera that is the embodiment of everything ive been working for the past few months. the 70 hour weeks, the aching muscles, the exhaustion, and the four hours of sleep a night. my ability to see the world through a lens. made possible by me, because of me. these are the first steps towards my future. the thought of failure hasnt crossed my mind. unquestionably there will be struggle. i am incredibly aware of that. seeing the state of photography today, the state of art today. the state of the united states, today. all tied together with the simple fact that i was born a female. the odds arent on my side. they dont have to be. there are three people that i know. that i am completely sure of. failure is not possible to any of us. // i am at galt's speech in atlas shrugged. it is completely beyond me how some one could read that speech and not completely understand it. how they could read it and not know it, with whatever is left within them, that it is right. i have so much work to do. we still have so far to go. // also: nobody will ever find happiness while they are searching for it.

[24 Apr 2003|12:42am] i am awake right now because i am scared of waking jon up. he looks so content when his eyes are closed. he doesnt know, but i watch him often when he's asleep. lately, ive been watching more intently. im coming to terms with the fact that our futures do not hold each other. he will become a famous musician, and i will travel the world with my camera. it makes me appreciate him more. time with him is limited so there is none to waste. tomorrow i am going to wake up and possibly finish reading "capitalism: the unknown ideal". shortly after i will compose an essay on capitalism. because it angers me that most views on capitalism are distorted and untrue. and of course i am taking it upon myself to bring the truth out and set you free. because i am jamie and i can do anything. after that i will venture out to pomona and attempt to sell copies of reaction. we have already made our second batch! only, the last time i was at the glasshouse i became terribly disheartened. hopefully this will be better. i am a cursive fan. then: i will do all that i can to survive the weekend. if you know me well enough to have me include you in my life, then you know that i have predicted my death to be some time immediately after the cursive show until right before the ani difranco show. if i do make it, however. i will be changed. changed in a way that i cannot comprehend right now. actually, i cant even think about it right now. // tuesday night i realised that the only people who really exist to me are artists.

[02 Apr 2003|09:01pm] four people have asked me today, casually: "so, how have you been." "what have you been up to?" "hows it going?" my answer: ive been great. busy. im writing for some thing called reaction. it takes up the majority of my mind as of lately. the other parts of my mind are left for making money, jon, shannon, writing, and now most importantly. photograhpy. // reaction is going to be mailed out by the end of the month. those of you who would like a copy can email me your address. or see me at a show: bright eyes. the faint. cursive. all at the glasshouse. or at the ani difranco show in phoenix, arizona. // thats it. i feel sick: 3 can't blame you - i know you're gonna run.

[23 Mar 2003|08:35pm] he told me that my moments of joy have the precision of military strategy. &. i couldnt remember where i had heard that before. &. i noticed he wouldnt look me in the eye. &. im going to tell him goodbye some day. some day when his gaze doesnt slap me across the face. some day when i can look at him and breathe at the same time. some day when i hate myself and he loves me for it.

[12 Mar 2003|05:49pm] at a time when im in a desperate need to keep moving. its extaordinarily hard to force myself to slow down. to have no control over the fact that i have to. & no matter what happens with this situation. ive decided to never let this happen again. i hate. letting things happen to me. // there are a few things that keep me going, though. one: shannon & i purchased ani difranco tickets yesterday. its weird knowing an exact date that your life could change. its in arizona. & a change of scenery is welcomed. two: there are two characters ive had in my head for a little over a year. ive probably written six or seven beginnings for them. but now. i know how to fill in the rest. which is. unbelievable. three: me. no matter what. things will get better. and its true. if it doesnt kill me. it makes me stronger. & i refuse to live my life in a circle. like so many other people. each of my days leads to the next. moving towards my next goal. so each day stays alive. instead of them just. zeroing off. like. a circle. // im fucking addicted to equal.

so much laughter. [04 Nov 2002|05:47pm] i am now reading fight club. i normally dont read books ive seen the movie of. but i made an exception. because palahniuk is just so fucking addictive to me. to me. // i am listening to ani difranco. her music can make me feel so many different things. it mostly reminds me of shannon, though. & makes me realise about how much t hings have changed. soon. she will be going off to college. &. what will i be doing. i dont want to go to college. i dont want to be rich when im older. or famous. ive just been thinking a lot, lately. about life. & other such things. & it scares me. my brother & i were talking about this one time. how you go to school. get a job. have a family. then die. i just can't see that being me. i dont mind working a nine to five job. if there's not some thing id rather do. maybe someday college. but maybe not. // some times. i can see my mother in me. so much. it scares me, too. // last night i had a dream that i was a ghostbuster. it was ghostbusters three & we had to kill that evil marshmallow walking things kid. all of the ghostbusters were teenagers, though. & before that i had a dream that i got shot & all of my blood was coming out from between my legs. weird. i woke up thinking i had started my period . // just the thought of our bed makes me crumble like the plaster when you punched the wall beside my head. // it must be. really incredibly fucking hard to be with some one for so long. to live with them. & to just. walk away from it. i think about that, too. because i am pessimistic. i also type too much. bye, then. i feel sick: 2 can't blame you - i know you're gonna run.

[23 Oct 2002|10:18pm] so then. tonight is my last night in this house. & its just weird for me. finally moving out on my own. but, i mean. ive wanted this for. how long. since i was fourteen. all i kept telling my mother was that when i turned eighteen. id be out of the house. so. im only really a year late. i openly welcome the life of working & eating ramen. // packing is emotional, though. i mean. isnt it? its just. some thing. to see your entire life. ((or what you have left of it. the tangibles.)) in boxes. in boxes. getting ready to be taken away to an apartment. an apartment that belongs to you & your boyfriend. i mean. i love jon. but im going to be living with him. just him from now on. that is scary to me. shhh, though. // found so many old letters & pictures. memories. that i had forgotten until now & its so hard to part with that. choosing what you want to remember. what you want to forget. what really doesnt matter anyway. things youve kept for no apparent reason. although you do remember having one. once upon a time. it is new for me. jon has done this three times before. i wish shannon was here. i wish that often, though. // buy me a toaster. i feel sick: 4 can't blame you - i know you're gonna run.

[22 Oct 2002|06:08pm] i am so cold right now. but so warm inside. it feels really really good to be happy. no, really. // we went & looked at another apartment today. the rent is cheaper & the entire community seems better. + its really close to my work & my sister. ((my most favorite sister, even.)) + it is away from my screaming family. lets allllll cross our fingers. please? im fucking sick of looking for a place to live. // i am reading choke. & i like it so so much. maybe not as much as survivor. but i really cant decide. i think i like to read so much. because it allows me in to some ones mind for a little while. allows me to see how they think & why, even. mmm, yes. // also: shannon called me at work today! ahhh. she is my soul mate. i am just. so sure of it. we'll be best friends forever. mhmm. i am still so incredibly jealous, though. her trials of love in florence, italy. all of the beautiful places i can only see in dreams! pictures, though. she will show me lots of pictures. // when i move out. hopefully we will have no television. & i will want to write letters to lots of people. so. people who want letters should email me their address. because i need them, pleaseplease. yourestaring@aol.com mhmm. // i still want a camera. i have four rolls of black & white film that are just. waiting. i feel sick: i know you're gonna run.

[15 Oct 2002|09:55pm] its becoming more & more clear to me that i dont want to live in california anymore. i want some one to come & take me away from every thing here. from the drivers & the smog & the summers & the never changing leaves on our trees. ((im fucking sick of palm trees, too.)) i want a lake instead of a beach, now. a lake that will turn in to ice in the winter time. i want my kids to make fresh lemonade in the summers. i want kids. is that insane? i already have names picked out, too. i wont tell them to you, though. they are too good you would want to take them. also: i really want a goldfish. once we move. which is hopefully on friday. we will get one. two, even. &. i am going to be more organized. i am going to stop being a pakrat. i am going to stop spending so much fucking money. i am going to learn to not have such expensive taste. i am going to learn how to cook really really well. i am going to eat healthier, too. & so is jon. i am going to pay more attention & spend more time with my sister. & long lost friends. people i care about but whom i just havent shown it to recently. i am going to be nice to jon, too. be more understanding when he's having a bad day. not every one has to just. suck it up. do they? why do i feel like im growing up. &. i just dont know where im going to be in a year. who im going to be with. what i'll be up to. but. i guess thats just not what matters. & maybe its time i struggle. at least i have some one to do it with. thats not what matters either, though. the struggle. what matters. is that i'll be away from my mother. for as long as i want to be. what matters. is that i'll be on my own. also: there is a tub of cheesecake ice cream with macadamian nuts & white chocolate chips calling my name from the freezer. yeaaaaaah, sugar. i feel sick: 2 can't blame you - i know you're gonna run.

[13 Oct 2002|12:30am] so. i saw sweet home alabama. & i liked it. very much, even. i dont think jon did. but then again. he wouldnt. also: i think i am one of the five people that just didnt really enjoy the bright eyes show. im also not a huge fan of the new album & thats basically what he played. so. that might have had some thing to do with it. but. i think i also just wanted to see conor oberst & a guitar. i mean. one song sounded really cool with the whole band but every thing else. was just okay. plus. i like to see bands/people really enjoy themselves when theyre playing. conor looked like being on stage was just the last thing he wanted to do. which is probably true. & probably fine. just not some thing id want to pay for again. but y'know. whatever. cursive tomorrow. i have a feeling that will be better. & sigur ros coming up. fuck yeah. // i had to work a closing shift on friday night. & it was just. incredibly amusing. i almost miss working that late. all of the high customers coming in who just cant function properly. they make me laugh. especially when theyre yelling in to the speakerbox. "it just felt like i was waiting there forever...." lame. // also: my co-worker celina told me today about her adventures with immigration. & crossing the border. its just weird actually knowing people that have done that. one of my co-workers got here by swimming. celina walked for 12 hours straight. with no water. no time to stop. nothing. i just. dont think ive ever wanted to get some where so badly. i guess you do what you have to, though. hmmm. // where the fuck is jon. i hate him. i feel sick: i know you're gonna run.

[08 Oct 2002|03:40pm] i saw some one i used to know the other day. she came through the drive thru &. it made me wonder what it must be like. to be trying to find yourself. what it must feel like to be constantly trying to be accepted. to actually care. to have the type of standards that type of person would have to actually think another person could make or break them. // im eating lucky charms & i remember saturdays when i was little. or the mornings, before school. when i would wake up really early & watch alice & wonderland. & then fraggle rock. i really do feel like time has gone by so fucking fast. too fast, almost. i can keep up. but its hard, some times. // also: my dad has been on my mind a lot. for some reason. ive been missing him more than ever. i dont think any one could really understand. just how amazing i think my father was. how important to me he is. just how much of an impact he's had on who i am right_now. & there are things i want to share with him right now. things i want to laugh about. & ask. discuss. & i cant. & i'll never be able to. & i think its just sinking in. // my mother is incredibly fake. her personality is probably the exact opposite of the kind i look for in a companion. her values are completely fucked up. & she's constantly trying to be happy. but she just cant do it on her own. she's also always telling me im exactly like her. & i cant think of a stronger insult. just hearing her voice annoys me. & im not even sure. if i love her any more. i used to think that i did. no matter what. because she's my mother. but. maybe she isnt. // i am reading survivor. & it makes me think. & want to talk. & have so much to say. & ive been questioning things a lot lately. & i think that im learning that its okay if im not always right. i mean. i cant think of a time when i wasnt. but. if it happened. i think i could be okay with it. i think im being more open minded to things. not about important things. but about the types of things that dont really matter. & maybe thats okay. // also: i am seeing bright eyes on thursday. & maybe i can talk jon in to watching sweet home alabama with me tonight. then i will smile. &. y'know. i feel sick: 8 can't blame you - i know you're gonna run.

[28 Sep 2002|12:22am] personally. i think that birthdays are really special special days. its good to just celebrate a person, some times. just one person. & not this event that happened. & being nineteen is different than being eighteen. i really do feel different. its weird, almost. // ive had a really amazing birthday. three birthday cakes! lots of people showing me they care about me. more specifically the people who never really do. or dont know how to. without feeling awkward. & thats why i think birthdays are so wonderful. // & i like being serenaded. even if it _is_ the same song. over & over. // rilo kiley tomorrow. finally. // some times i know that every thing is going to be okay. no, really. bye, now. i feel sick: 9 can't blame you - i know you're gonna run.

[18 Sep 2002|10:55pm] its so weird to think that this time, next week. we'll need to be out of this house. & we're not even sure where we're going to go. or what we're going to do. but. it has to happen. & im scared. &. i dont know what else to say about that. // i talked to shannon today. the first time ive heard her voice in two weeks. emails just arent the same. it felt like she was right beside me. it really did. i know for a fact that we'll be those two old ladies that really are best friends forever. no matter what. i think our relationship. just might be. one of the best things about me. & i wouldnt expect any one else to understand that. only her & i. thats how it usually is anyway. // also: how fucking lame are some people. i could honestly count the number of genuinely cool people i know on one hand. no, really. me. jon. andrew. nancy. shannon. my grandma. hmm. okay. one hand & one finger. // its really weird for me. to have things change so drastically. so quickly. im really not the person that just jumps in to change. im more of a gradual person. ive never really been spontaneous. i like to plan, to prepare. &. i havent lately. & i love jon. some times i think i love him more. his lips are perfect, i think. &. i shouldnt say any thing else. or maybe i wont stop. // i have really bad cramps. & i like that game show. lingo. im weird. i know. i feel sick: 3 can't blame you - i know you're gonna run.

[10 Sep 2002|10:06pm] right now is the first time. in. a long time. that ive actually had time to myself. just me. its some thing ive needed, i know. if i dont get it. i get incredibly cranky & not so pleasant to be around. this is also. the. fifth day ive gone without smoking. i wont have to go that much longer though. thankgod. // things have just changed too quickly. im one of those people that need gradual change. i cant just be forced in to some thing & then be told to deal with it. readjust. so its hard not being able to come home from work & lay in my bed. listening to music. not being able to really read in quiet. or finish the collage i started just before. its hard to just. be surrounded by people the entire day. my co-workers. jon. my family. but whats really hard. is missing shannon. its the little things. that happen during the day. the things id tell her about & we'd laugh about. like. the dream i had with eminem in it last night. or stupid motherfucking customers. & i miss our conversations. our high conversations. that would last forever & where we'd come to so many conclusions. & forget them. until the next night. i miss having some one just understand me. i still know that she does. but i like having that. here.. i just keep telling myself that this will be good. for me. great for her. // &. we need money. &. we dont have it. & we have to move out. & we cant. & its stressful. &. blah. // i still have bruises & things that hurt all over my body. but. there are good shows coming up. bright eyes. rilo kiley. azureray/nowitsoverhead. i am excited. maybe. i havent been to a show in awhile it seems. i hope i can take it. // i dont know. the end. i feel sick: 1 can't blame you - i know you're gonna run.

[02 Sep 2002|02:01pm] that is jon. he's getting a diet coke right now. i am. insanely in love. mmm. ((i'm not sure there's any thing else to say.)) i feel sick: 2 can't blame you - i know you're gonna run.

[27 Aug 2002|11:45am] tonight. jon & i went in search of a park to have. "period sex." the first one had benches that were too hard & it was closing in twenty minutes. the second one had huge tennis courts & lots of lights. & bunnies. &. wet grass. the third. it was just right. but it had wet grass & we had no blanket. it also had some other high school couple who apparently had the same thing. in mind. so we had to leave. we retrieved a blanket from my house. & attempted to go back to that third park. the couple was still there. & after flashing them with our headlights a couple of times. we decide to go to this hill. beautiful view. creepy creepy animal noises. so we leave. ((we are both pansies.)) we find, happily, that the couple had left the park. we ventured in. found a nice spot in the sand. underneath the walkway on the jungle gym. &. y'know. jon said i was really loud. but i didnt come. he did. i think the sand made it too rough between my legs. um. we kissed. it was freezing. so we left. we're eating heated up enchiladas. mmm, too. i feel sick: 6 can't blame you - i know you're gonna run.

[24 Aug 2002|11:50pm] bad things: 1. im on my period which means cramps & emotions & sore breasts & bleeding. 2. im sick. which means sneezing & coughing & not being able to talk first thing in the morning. 3. my stereo is broken. which means. silence in my room. 4. my mom is lame & wont let jon sleep in my room with me which means. it would take me forever to fall asleep. 5. hm. money. i need tampons & shampoo. ((& weed.)) 6. there is a. everpresent. or. everreturning ocean in the middle of my bed. good things: 1. i bought a magazine that will allow me to finish a collage i have been working on. 2. i have an amazing idea for a story which i will begin to write fairly soon. 3. jon & i watched the wwjd channel last night for an hour & a half. 4. my grandma is home & is doing my laundry. 5. jon is good & wonderful &. every thing. // we rented amelie. & hedwig. &. mmm. i feel sick: 5 can't blame you - i know you're gonna run.

[18 Aug 2002|10:23am] i am going to tell you how amazing guster was last night. really. they were amazing. & i wasnt even high. ((my being high saved me from john mayer, though. i think he might have been absolutely horrible if i. y'know. wasn't high.)) also; during the airport song. i had the extreme pleasure of watching some blonde girl give her boyfriend a handjob. twice. it really was. shocking. // my grandmother is away for the entire week. consoling her sister who just lost her oldest son. word is she began picking up pieces of his body off of the sidewalk below his apartment building. in hope of putting him back together. // the batteries in my vibrator are gone, gone. but. jon is here wednesday night. // there are a bunch of new people at my work. three of which are so incredibly cool. one of which might be a new connection. i need that. especially with shannon leaving soon. // so many good shows coming up in the next two months. & jon here for every one of them. // taquitos at jack in the box. jesus. mmm. i feel sick: 4 can't blame you - i know you're gonna run.

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